Where were we? Aha… love, so simple and at the same time so complicated. I take the sheet of paper on which I wrote physical attributes and began to think… Brutal honesty… Well… I think I’d better start with the other paper… the one about personality, it seems much simpler. Let’s see… likes … What does my husband say about me all the time? Aha, I talk like a radio. So I’m communicative, that’s definitely a plus. OK, what else? Hmm… I have a good sense of humor, I’m clever… Why the hell is it so hard to find something positive to say about myself? Why do I have to think what other people have to say about me? I’m stubborn, sometimes mean, I try to impose my point of view (with valid arguments in my opinion), I’m often ironic, I have a short fuse, I don’t forgive easily and the list can go on. Why is it easier for me to say what I don’t like about myself? Do I really have such low self-esteem? Why?
My parents’ voice automatically comes to mind… if you don’t learn in school you´ll never achieve anything in your life. You have to be among the top ten in your class, the rest doesn’t matter. How well did you do in math course? B? But how did Jane do? She got an A? Why can she do better than you? We gave you everything you need, you just have to learn, you have electricity and heat in the house, you have food in your belly, other children have to learn by candlelight on an empty stomach! If you don’t want to learn, that’s no problem, it’s good that you’re a girl, you can always get married rich and you’re done with it.
And that’s how I went over the Rainbow and saw the most amazing things… oh, look, is that a smoking giant mushroom?…
Since I was a toddler my parents were adepts of the saying that whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. They thought that you should not lose control over the child, as he will end up a drug-addict or on the streets, homeless. And failure, unintentional mistakes or mild deviation from the rules established by them attracted severe punishments. Aha, they sold it to me, the recipe for unhappiness, that’s what I’ll call it from now on. They are to blame for my current state. Hey, wait, where are you going? I’m going over to them to argue, to tell them how they ruined my life. I left in a whirlwind to explain to my parents that they destroyed my life knowingly, what unconscious parents they were and to hold them accountable.
After an explosive argument where I poured out all my frustration and unhappiness, my folks told me the biggest truth. OK, we were wrong, you do better with your own child. Game over!
Oh, the horror, what have I done with my child so far? I look and see a wonderful, kind, generous and intelligent child (I’m not biased, no way) who feels alone and insecure, and what have I done for him? I complain about how hard my life is, but do I think about his? Just because I went to university and got a degree and don’t physically abuse my child is not enough for an education. I reproached my parents for not doing enough, but what did I do?
Now it’s clear, I need help (professional, I might add), and since so far other points of view have helped me, I started looking on the internet. Whoops… traumas and the way you were raised can affect your life as an adult. No shit! Look… thinking habits and triggers and consciousness and personal development and addictions and depression. What in the world? And these things were already known for quite some time. What have I learned so far? I thought that school was there to prepare you for life, but I see that school only prepares us to be a cog in a well-oiled system. A disposable cog, of course.
It’s clear, I have to take each aspect separately and analyze it, document myself. But where do I start? I remembered what I originally wanted to do, namely to seek self-love. OK, I took a deep breath and decided to get started… first thing tomorrow.
To be continued…