What are you talking about over there about landline phones and software?

Let’s see, when you were born you had no self-belief or self-worth, no mental habit or thought pattern, or if you want no program or application in your wired phone. From that moment the parents entered the scene and it started to flow with beliefs and values, with what is allowed and what is not allowed, with must and must not. And also, it started to flow with punishments one after another for the behaviors they didn’t want. This is how the first programs were installed in the wireless telephone, or, in other words, the first mental habits or thought patterns were created.

I hear my parents’ voice in my mind and lose myself in memories: Behave yourself, don’t get so dirty, you’re embarrassing me! A girl doesn’t talk like that, shame on you! Did you get third prize in first class? Well, what can you do if that’s your level, if you don’t like to study? You think hitting the books is hard, wait and see what it’s like to dig ditches.

Today I feel lighter, I think I have mentally lost about 10 kilos since I realized that only I have the power to decide who and what I am. The power… what a wonderful elixir. But as a great philosopher said, and here I mean Spiderman’s uncle, with great power comes great responsibility. Hmm… and what was he referring to? Well… depending on what you decide to show the world, there are positive effects/consequences and negative effects/consequences. You must understand them before you act. As I said, we are all capable of contrasts.

I have decided, I want to be kind to myself and those around me, to show my capacity for compassion, to be wise as much as I am capable, I want to be free of judgment both towards myself and towards others, to show understanding. Hmm… Jesus Christ, is that you? Hey, step on the brakes and pull over! It can’t be done here and now. What do you mean? Well, just as we are capable of contrasts, the same is true for anyone and anything, from things to actions, values, feelings and so on. Besides, you don’t live in a cave, you’re not the only player on the field, there are others, and we’re all connected in this interwoven fabric of education, society, culture, religion. Wait, what? I no longer understand anything.

Yes, today is the day I make the damn list. I’m already a little sick… I’m sweating… I feel like crying… Physical qualities, looks… ugh… on the other thought, I’ll write this another time though… I will start with the personality traits … Strengths: smart, communicative, with a good sense of humor, sociable. Cons: stubborn, often ironic to the point of cynicism, sometimes mean… Hmmm… What kind of person am I? Well, I’m a doctor. Wait, that’s your job. Are you just a job? Have you no value as a human being? If you have no value, what are you passing on to your child?
Hmm… What makes me feel so worthless?

Where were we? Aha… love, so simple and at the same time so complicated. I take the sheet of paper on which I wrote physical attributes and began to think… Brutal honesty… Well… I think I’d better start with the other paper… the one about personality, it seems much simpler. Let’s see… likes … What does my husband say about me all the time? Aha, I talk like a radio. So I’m communicative, that’s definitely a plus. OK, what else? Hmm… I have a good sense of humor, I’m clever… Why the hell is it so hard to find something positive to say about myself? Why do I have to think what other people have to say about me? I’m stubborn, sometimes mean, I try to impose my point of view (with valid arguments in my opinion), I’m often ironic, I have a short fuse, I don’t forgive easily and the list can go on. Why is it easier for me to say what I don’t like about myself? Do I really have such low self-esteem? Why?

Alas, I think I have to reconsider and maybe take in the possibility of consulting a fellow psychiatrist. What the hell has gotten into me? Have I gone completely insane? Maybe my friends and acquaintances that know me are right when they judge me. Why the hell am I giving up a well-paid profession in which I have invested almost 20 years of my life? And which basically pleases me? What’s wrong with me? And I quit to do what, exactly? Stay at home? Am I not normal?

On the other hand, they don’t live your life, they only see a doctor who earns well and has a beautiful family. Hey, have you already forgotten how many times you came home after 10-11 hours of work, or after a 24-hour on-call duty, that in practice, was at least 30? And how when you got home and the only thing you wanted was half an hour of peace and quiet? How did your husband explain that to the child, who couldn’t wait for you to come home? That mommy has had a hard day at work and needed a moment to breathe? What did the little one say? Why can’t mommy and I breathe together? How many times has your husband told you that he doesn’t need a boatload of money, he needs a wife?

Where were we? Right…, love, bless her heart! So, step one was to identify the physical and mental attributes. I started to make a list, I think better if I can see what I have to analyze. A visual aid never hurts. Since I can’t afford extravagances, I take a sheet of paper, fold it neatly in two and tear it carefully. I write on one of them physical attributes / appearance and on the other personality and on both I intend to write the likes and dislikes. Ok, let’s think… Hmm… I look around… and see that I need to tidy up the room, and if I’m going to do it, I need to tidy up the whole house. But I also have to make something to eat, because we just have to eat something as healthy as possible, otherwise what kind of mother would I be? And what else do I have to do? Aha, it would be good if I went shopping to make sure we have what we need in the fridge. And we need more of this and that…

Good God, what’s with all the self-love on the internet? What happened to you, good people? What happened to loving thy neighbor as thyself?

Hey, wait a minute, what did you say? To love your neighbor as yourself .. Hmm… Let’s think and analyze… So, it starts from a premise, an assumption, namely that I know how to love myself. Now, let’s be real, who likes absolutely every bit of oneself? Who loves all the aspects that make up the physique or all the traits of his personality? The vast majority is dissatisfied with something about themselves, there’s always something they would like to improve or even change completely, I am here included. Whoa! Well, using logic, if I don’t know how to love myself, I don’t know how to love the other person either. Oh, the horror! By extension, I don’t know how to love my husband and child!

Have you ever wondered why you don’t have the success you want and don’t live the life you dreamed of or dream of? Haven’t you worked hard enough? Didn’t you put in enough effort? Didn’t you have the necessary intelligence? Did you not have the right parents? You weren’t born in the right country? Why? Or… Maybe because this is not really your dream.

In order to understand what we are talking about, let’s be brutally honest, both with life but especially with ourselves. What does success mean? Both here on the Carpathian plains, but also in other lands, success is equivalent to having a boatload of money, optionally fame and/or a beautiful family and being able to do what you want with your time, that is, freedom.